Mesmerized by the Macabre

A week has passed. Time for some reflection.
March 17. Sipping on a virgin grasshopper, I am absolutely giddy with excitement as is every true blue Hoosier. Today is Day One, opening round of the NCAA Tournament. Though no school from the state is in the field for the first time since ’72, I am nonetheless hooked on The Big Dance so I am poised to salivate like Pavlov’s dogs at the first reference to buzzer beaters and other announcer pabulum.
And yet, not all is well in my universe. I can’t shake this feeling deep in the pit of my gut. It gnaws at me to the point I almost wish my grasshopper wasn’t so virgin. The Borg has invaded. Resistance is futile. I grab the remote and switch from the madness of March to the insanity in Washington. The Steroid Hearings have begun!
As I am drawn in, I cannot help but identify with those who find themselves gawking out the window as they pass by a roadside accident. Perhaps if they are lucky, their passing glance will catch a severed limb or two. Now I join them as one who is mesmerized by the macabre.
There they sit, all in a row like cutout ducks in a carnival shooting gallery. Canseco, Sosa, McGwire, Palmeiro, Schilling and via satellite, Frank Thomas. But these icons are not alone. Interspersed are a smattering of lawyers and one translator wearing a stunning red dress. She’s with Sammy.
The ping-pong match begins. Basketball, baseball, basketball, baseball. My head begins to spin. So this is how Linda Blair felt.
Not capturing the entire experience of Waxman, et al. I submit an abbreviated interpretation of the proceedings with possible thoughts of those involved in parenthesis. I dedicate this to all those who possess the discipline to refrain from gawking out the window.
Congress: Thank you all for being here today (and not forcing us to issue a subpoena). Mr. Canseco, let’s begin with you (since you are the catalyst for this charade). Read your opening statement (but keep it short, we want to get to McGwire as quickly as possible.)
Canseco: I was the only one who wanted to be here today so I should have been granted immunity from prosecution (I sure hope this exposure quadruples the sales of my book) I want to do everything possible to keep kids from taking steroids (even though I endorse the juice throughout my book).
Congress: Mr. Sosa, your turn. (This oughta be good.)
Sosa’s lawyer: I will read Mr. Sosa’s opening statement. I Sammy Sosa grew up without a father and we shined shoes and sold oranges to get by. (Sammy: I sure hope they buy this stuff. I used to have an image to protect. Hmmm, I wonder.. It just might work. Like the great Ali, I will engage a rope-a-dope strategy with a Latin twist and I will prevail! After all, I am Sammy Sosa!)
Congress: Mr. Sosa do you have anything to add?
Sosa: I was shocked when I watched the families of the children who died. My sympathy to them in this situation. (Now sit back and watch a real pro at work.)
Congress: Mr. Sosa, what do you think is the solution to the steroid problem?
Sosa: I don’t know (I will mumble now and they will move on to McGwire. See? It worked!)
Congress: Mr. McGwire, do you have an opening statement? (What am I saying? They ALL have opening statements.)
McGwire: I have played baseball since I was nine and it has been my passion. I will help out all I can but will not discuss the past.(So you better not ask. What am I saying? They ALL want to ask me that question. I’m toast. And I really wanted to enter the Hall of Fame with Tony and Cal, too)
Congress: Come now, sir, we have to know how widespread the problem is. (Squirm you worm. You are in MY house now, you drug induced bloated freak)
McGwire: I am following the advice of my lawyer. (I won’t even tell you what I had for breakfast you wretched political swine. Put that in your briefcase you miserable excuse for a cockroach!)
Congress: Whenever you are ready Mr. Palmeiro. (I wonder what the Senate is doing on C-SPAN 2?)
Palmeiro: I fled the tyranny of Cuba to come to America and work hard and be free. I have played for three outstanding organizations; the Cubs, the Rangers and the Orioles. (Why does Sammy keep following me wherever I go?) I am pointing my finger at you, the panel, to drive home my point. I am clean, I have always been clean and I will always be clean. I will take any test at any time. In fact, does anyone have a specimen cup? I will pee in it right here right now so everyone can see that I am clean! (except perhaps for the Viagra but no one cares about that).
Congress: all right, Mr. Schilling, what have you to say for yourself?
Schilling: I visited Walter Reed recently and was proud to visit with the young men and women who are sacrificing to defend this country against terrorism. (Let me wrap myself up in the flag, win the hearts of all the kids in the red states where my boy, George W. kicked serious liberal booty. Then I will sell out my convictions to cover for Mark, Sammy and whoever else has ever been on the juice. But not Todd Helton. He was and is a very good boy. Woody Paige said so.)
Congress: That is wonderful Mr. Schilling, but what do you think about the steroid problem in the major leagues?
Schilling: Problem? What problem? Canseco is a lying piece of weasel snot. We have the situation under control. (forget that just three years ago I told a reporter from SI “You sit there and look at some of these players and you know what’s going on. Guys out there look like Mr. Potato Head with the head and arms and 6 or 7 body parts that just don’t look right. They don’t fit. I’m not sure how steroid use snuck in so quickly but it’s become a prominent thing very quietly. It’s widely known in the game.”)
Congress: Mr. Sosa, what do you think?
Sosa: I’m sorry, I don’t know [more unintelligible mumbling]. (Like taking candy from a baby).
And so it goes for 2 hours. What saves the fiasco for me is Jose Serrano, the honorable Congressman from New York. Yea, I know he’s a Yankee fan but nobody’s perfect. His brief yet eloquent plea to the panel is seamless, however.
(And this is for real, ladies and gentlemen.)
Jose Serrano: For me, baseball is not a game, it’s a passion. Some in the media may see us as just as politicians having another hearing, but we’re concerned about a game we love.
When Mr. McGwire and Mr. Sosa took us on that ride that summer, that wasn’t just hitting home runs. It was a country hanging onto heroes.
When Mr. Palmeiro, I will watch you this summer as you become only the fourth player, joining Aaron and Murray and Mays, to get 500 home runs and 3,000 hits, as a Latino I feel proud and as an American I will be excited.
Mr. Canseco, I wish I could have helped you get those 38 home runs to get to 500. You stopped at 462. Perhaps Baseball stopped you, you claim at times.
And Mr. Schilling, even though you did it to my Yankees, you are still my hero.
That’s who you are. You are not just normal, regular people. It’s not the kids who look at you alone. That’s the excuse we use. “The autograph is for my son.” It’s for me. I already signed up for Major League Game Day Audio for my computer. I already bought my first 25 packs of baseball cards for the year to add to the closet full of baseball cards that I have.
Mr. McGwire, I will never sell your rookie card. I will leave it to my children and grandchildren. Because you’re heroes. There’s no price on my love of this game.
And so I hope when you leave here today and think about it tomorrow or the next day, that you won’t think of us as another legislative committee. You’ll think of us as no different than the people you see in the stands. We’re baseball fans who love this game and we’re terrified of what could happen to it.
I don’t like the fact that you are here. I don’t like to see the break-up of the Bash Brothers in front of me. I don’t like the fact that Mr. Sosa hasn’t smiled that famous smile. I don’t like the uneasiness of all of you today. You shouldn’t be here. Circumstances put you here.
Please save the game. Without the game this country is in deep trouble.